Multi-Generational Housing

It's a definite trend - and for many good reasons! Here's the Q and A from The Today Show, and lots of resources for you to learn more:

1. Q: Multi-generational households sound good on paper, but in reality, how do you manage with all these people living under one roof?

A: In other cultures, this is just the typical way of life, and it works! But in our American culture, having many generations in one household is a very different concept for us. We're used to the grandparents retiring to Florida, or the kids going away to college and not coming back. But times are changing, our economics are changing, and bringing the family together into one household is starting to make sense to us. Of course, we have to be flexible, and learn to adapt and modify our behavior so that we're not living in a battle zone. We all have to get along.

2. Q: What kind of problems are likely to come up?

A: Privacy is probably the biggest issue. We each need our own space in which we can retreat, we're used to that, so to have that taken away can cause some anxiety. And at the same time there also needs to be some common areas where everyone can be together so that no one feels isolated. Privacy can come from time as well as space. For example, a husband and wife can have their private time together at dinner when they eat at a different time than the rest of the family. Courtesy and kindness go a long way to making this scenario work - always knock and wait for a reply before entering a room. Don't hog the bathroom, or the computer.

3. Q: How do you figure out who does what? How do you divvy up all the responsibilities that come with a large household like this?

A: Responsibilities come in many forms, including financial. Write out a plan that everyone agrees to in terms of who pays what bills, or how much each person contributes to the group bills, like utilities. When it comes to the household chores, come up with a schedule, and post it in a central area so everyone knows what is expected of them. Everyone needs to participate, and feel that they are pitching in. Start by looking at who wants to do what first, and then go from there.

4. Q: What about when you've got little kids in the house - I can imagine there would be conflicts over parenting issues?

A. Having grandparents in the house is like having on-call babysitters available, but you've got to be careful not to take advantage of their time and energy. Grandparents may feel resentful if they're constantly expected to care for the kids. They've got to be clear about the amount of time they're willing to put in, and parents need to be respectful of their limitations. There also needs to be a clear set of rules in place when it comes to the kids - and grandparents need to defer to the parents’ judgment. The other issue is that sometimes it's the parents who are doing the care-giving for the grandparents. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of energy to be a care-giver, so you may want to look into getting someone to come in and help out so that you have a break every once in awhile.

5. Q: If you have both little children and elderly folks in the household, you probably need your home equipped to meet the needs of both?

A: With little kids you need all the childproofing things done, and you don't want to have Grandma's precious things around for little hands to grab. You will also want to install handrails in the bathrooms and anywhere there are steps or stairs so that grandparents are comfortable and feel they have access to all areas of the home. Sometimes grandparents have the TV turned up loud so that they can hear it better, or your teens have their music blasting, so you've got noise all over the place! Try to place each of them at opposite ends of the house, or on different floors to avoid some of the chaos. And invest in headphones to keep the peace. The main objective is safety, but you want everyone to feel comfortable, too. Whenever you can have individual controls, like separate thermostats, that makes things easier.

6. Q: And then when the inevitable conflicts come up, what do you do?

A: Hopefully you've got a communication system in place so that you know how to handle it. You need some "house rules" that everyone follows. Some families have regular family meetings where issues and concerns are brought up - maybe Sunday dinner, or every first Tuesday of the month. Other families schedule these meetings only when a conflict comes up.